Breaking the Habit
by Averon
Summary: Breaking the Habit, a popular song that perfectly describes Hiei's current dilemma. Hiei x Kurama Angst. Don't like, I don't care. Flames welcome


Hey people, long time no see. MY COMPUTER'S BACK ONLINE!!!! So I'm posting some of the stuff I've written in the lull. This is a definate one-shot. It's also my first song fic (that I've posted), but that doesn't really matter

Disclaimer, same old same old. I didn't all of a sudden get rich and by Yu Yu Hakusho except in a dream, but that's another story.

H.H

_Memories consume_

_Like opening a wound_

_I'm picking me apart again…._

Life has been… _different_ since the break in at the Reikai, very different. Having everything I know shoved into my face as wrong was a hell of a start. They really wanted to shove me into solitary confinement for the rest of my pathetic excuse for a life. I'm lucky the Fox decided that if one of us got in trouble, the other would too. I don't know why he set himself up like that. He knew I would want to break my parole. I asked him why and he said he trusted me. Ch, he's a fool if I've ever seen one. Trusting me? The infamous Forbidden Child, wanted dead by the majority of the Makai, thought of as a heartless killer by _demon_ standards, let alone ningen. He's softened from living here in the ningenkai. I'm undeserving of that trust, especially when it's given so seldom. He's still suspicious of everyone, no matter how kind they may seem. Old habits die hard.

Why would he decide to place his freedom in my hands? I have little respect for my own. I'm not worth the effort it takes to stay out of trouble and go against my instincts. I have not reformed. There's no purpose. When I go I'm heading to the darkest pits of hell anyway, why bother changing?

But… I have changed. Not in personality, nor habits, nor a variety of other things. I think that I care. That can't be allowed. Everything I care for it tainted. Even my sister. She doesn't deserve that… That hatred by association. She would hate me for causing it if only she knew. She will never find out. That has always been. I have been protecting her since I was strong enough to. The change… I care for the Fox.

I can't permit this sense of protectiveness… this wanting for nearness to continue. He will be damaged beyond repair. He doesn't deserve that. He _has_ changed from his stay here in this world, and most likely for the better. He's earned the peace this realm has to offer, the kindness it shows most of its inhabitants. If anyone ought to have its promises, it's a criminal who's changed so completely to be nearly unrecognizable.

_You all assume_

_I'm safe here in my room_

_(Unless I try to start again)_

The rest of the Tentai, the fool and the detective, wouldn't grant me even the consideration that I might have thought like these. I know, I've read their thoughts. They're like everybody else. They _know_ what I am, what I can be. They know that only this strange alliance keeps me from doing exactly as I please. Even I have an undeniable will to live and be free. If not for that both those creatures would have been dead in the most fascinating of ways long, long ago.

I wish I wasn't as I am. That I was worth something, anything! I've tried to find a way out this pitiful existence before. _He_ stopped me. He made me tell him why. He told me I was wrong. He didn't tell the others. He watched me to make sure I was all right. I don't know why. He kept me under surveillance of a sort for a few weeks. He made me talk to me at least once weekly. I never want to see him that upset about such a worthless piece of shit again. I toned down what I was telling him the whole time, half the time I lied. A moon later he asked me if I'd try again. I lied for him. He thinks I'm safe. Anything to keep him happy in the world he's built for himself. He'll never have to spare another thought for me again.

_I don't want to be the one_

_That battles always choose_

'_Cause inside I realize_

_That I'm the one confused_

How come I always get dragged into these battles to save someone else's tail? Why do I have to fight for something I don't want? I don't care about them. They don't matter. Nothing matters anymore! I'm not worth this stupid world. I never earned its peace! How come I was brought here to fight for something I never asked for? I never wanted to know I wanted.

I am disgusting demon for the depths of the human imagination. I'm a killer and I know it. Why should I change for their stupid customs? Why can't I destroy them and go back to the way things were? I never wanted to have 'friends' before and now they're crawling out of the god forsaken walls as liabilities and I can't make them leave! I don't need anyone and nobody truly needs me. I don't deserve to live anymore. I don't think I ever did.

I don't even have a chance at changing. I can't. It's out of demons ability. Granted, the Fox did, but he's the exception, not the rule. He's why I can't kill the liabilities. He wouldn't approve.

Why do I care? He can't mean it! It's his _human_ conscience kicking in. He probably doesn't even trust me. He was trying to prevent a fellow being from rotting in a jail cell. That sounds like something he would do. Protect the defenseless. Hn, it's the same thing he did when he stopped me. Protecting the defenseless from them_selves_. I'm a charity cause. I have to be. No one cares for me, it's unimaginable. I don't matter. I can't matter. That's how it's always been.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean _

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

_So I'm_

_Breaking the habit_

_Tonight_

There is nothing in this world for someone such as me. There can't be. There is no place in a realm of comparative peace for one who brings about turmoil by merely existing. I don't know anything about peace.

Hell, I don't know anything about anything. How can a creature, even one like me, live for so long and still not know what the game of life is all about? Ningen's are born knowing, somewhere deep inside. Most demons too. I can't figure it out. What's the point? Dieing allows true peace that can't be found elsewhere. Life is merely existence. You want to live to exist. Simple as that. No one wants to think of a reality where they aren't. However, that's not what the Fox told me. He says that the point to living is for the sake of love. The people you care for. I told him I didn't care for anyone besides my sister and I saw the lights in the back of his eyes dim. I thought he would be happy to know that a creature that brings death and destruction cared nothing for him, but I seemed to misjudge somehow. Obviously I'm not good at his way of living, harming instead of helping those few beings I hold dear.

I give up. I can't win. I tried to change but nothing worked. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change what I don't know what came to be. I should never have been in the first place. I can't be human. I harm everything I care for. I'm going to end this cycle, this 'habit', once and for all. I will cure the three worlds of my disease. No one will ever be plagued by my presence, my feelings, or my blade ever again. For me, there will be no tomorrow.

_Clutching my cure_

_I tightly lock the door_

_I try to catch my breath again_

I have come… to the one place I've ever felt safe. Luckily, the inhabitant went on a family vacation. No one will look for me until he returns, anyway. No one else pretends to care.

I stand in the middle of the room, and glance around for clues about when he might be back again. He keeps a calendar on his wall. He's due back tomorrow night. At least my body won't rot in that time and make his room stink. I can't promise my blood won't stain the carpet though. They should never have made rugs white in the first place. It's inefficient.

I walk to the door and close it, turning the lock and leaning against the strength of the wood. This is nothing. There's nothing to be afraid of. Death is something that will happen anyway, I'm just helping it along. Why am I panting? My legs are shaking. I collapse in a heap at the base of the frame and shudder. I can't breath. The world spinning. I hurt inside and out. I just want to get this over with.

_I hurt much more_

_Than anytime before_

_I had no options left again_

Last time it wasn't this hard to stand. I just ran a blade along my vein. No hesitations. Now I stand and shiver convulsively and have to cling to the dresser for support. _This place doesn't need me!_ I have no reason for existing. My body needs to cut the shit and let me finish. I'm not going to change my mind in it's moments of self preservation.

Inside my chest I feel my heart break. I close my eyes and see his face. I find myself hanging onto the image of him smiling at me and suppress a scream. I love him. I'll die for him. He'll never know. He can't. He doesn't care.

He can't.

I won't let him ruin himself like that.

I have no choice. I will save him from my threat. He'll live on with no fear of my presence's disruption. He _will_ be happy.

_I'll paint it on the walls_

'_Cause I'm the one at fault_

_I'll never fight again_

_This is how it ends_

I draw a dagger from my boot and test the sharpness of the blade. My thumb bleeds and tears roll down to mingle with the stream. I turn around suddenly and gems litter the floor. I'll tell him he'll never have to see me anymore.

I write a message on the wall and tell him to be glad. This problem's cured itself. I write that he will never have to worry I'll come back. The bodies still on the floor and the veins are more then cracked.

I will never fight a battle for another human fool. I'm not going to plague this place with an unwarranted problem. No one deserves to put up with me. They don't have to anymore.

I hold the blade up to the light and watch the blood drip down. I read my message to my love and glare at the tear gems on the ground. I shouldn't be crying. I'm not upset. I can't _really_ feel anything anyway. I'm a demon, a lost cause. I can't care. It's a curse.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_But now I have some clarity_

_To show you what I mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be alright_

_So I'm_

_Breaking the habit_

I turn away from the words and turn off the light. I don't need to run up the expenses the Fox has told me about on top of ruining his bed room. He'll be pissed enough already. I need him to forget I existed as quickly as possible. That's the only way he'll be alright.

I bring the dagger to my lips and taste the blood. I clean the blade thoroughly, sitting in the middle of the floor, absently watching the moon fall. I need to do this soon. I need to stop stalling. If I wait to much longer the neighbor might notice.

I take a deep breath and use a shaking hand to set the blade against the main vein in my wrist. I sink the tip in and wait for a pain that never comes. Slowly I trace the lines that line your arms in blue. Not a vein that's visible will escape me. My blood pours out on the floor and my head begins to spin. Thank god it'll be over soon. I've done it all for him…

_Breaking the habit_

_Tonight_

That night when Kurama came home, he went up to his room. The sight that met his eyes was terrible. In the middle of his floor was the body of his best friend with an amazingly large circle of drying blood soaked into the carpet around the small corpse. He ran over and cradled the smaller boys form in his arms and rocked it, weeping in his arms when he found that he was dead. He looked around the room for some clue to what went wrong. He'd tried everything he could to help him through it all.

Across the floor, strewn merrily, twinkling little gems. They screamed at him to gather them up, but he tried to ignore them. Hiei never cried.

He looked up and on the wall was a note written in blood.

_I'm sorry I ever came here_

_I didn't mean to plague you_

_This problem will never come back again._

_I hate to say I love you_

_You shouldn't have to know_

_Now that I'm dead you'll never be hurt again_

He stared in disbelief.

The police came and went, the body was buried. Everything was clean and the tear gems hidden away. He went along in shock for a good long while. As the days passed his grades began to drop. No one could wake him from his dream. By the end of the month, he too would never wake again.

H.H

I hope you like it!! I don't remember how long it took towrite, it was a while ago. All I remember is I got really annoyed at the end when I started to rhyme with the song...

Reveiw please!!

Averon


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